Sunastar - News & Views

May 12, 2008
Spongebob Squarepants
Musical Rectal Thermometer

Hello! The ad says:

Plays "SpongeBob SquarePants Theme" at the end of temperature taking
Fast, 9 seconds temperature read-out
Read-out in either Fahrenheit or Celsius

The first two items sounds like hidden mic recordings related to the March 11th story below. The last item, at least, gives us a little hope of shedding of the last vestiges of English domination, which weighs so heavily on our country (God bless us, one and all).

This thing raises so many question, brings up so many disturbing images and awakens so many suppressed memories that I don't know where to start!

Do we really want kids to learn that it's okay to have something shoved up their ass as long as some fun, cute, pop music is playing? (Refer again to the March 11 story.)

Is this going to be the next prefered tool for NAMBLA?

The thought of a tune playing out of my ass, unless, of course, it's deep and rumbling, with the occassional high pitched bird song, is just wrong!

February 13, 2007
News Mc Nuggets

Big Bang I can't believe all us idiots are following the likes of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and whoever that big plastic-titted chick who just died after marrying a billionaire who thought he was hooking up with Marylin Monroe, bless her heart, uh, Anna Nicole "BJ" Smith. But we are.

You know that the media innundates us with this shit for the same reason that kids scream if you don't take them to McRatBurgers. Because we all drink from the fountain of putrid water that is TV. And, of course, I do say we, because I suckle on the same tit. The difference is that I hate myself every time I comment on the likes of the aforementioned people. But, I do it here so that you can hate me for mentioning them and blame it on me, but don't nail me to a big wood plus sign because neither my hands nor wrists could handle the weight in my belly from the tasty news mc nuggets I've swallowed over the years before regurgitating this.

On a lighter note, Paris Hilton shows off her puppy.

February 10, 2007
Ted Haggard is now "Completely Hetrosexual"

Ted Haggard Rev. Ted Haggard says that he can now see the light at the end of a long, dark, though oddly inviting tunnel. Ted's reported to have gone through severe and repeated withdraw symptoms. "I went through an intensive decox program. It really pulled me out of a deep, dark place. I still have fears, though, of slipping back into it. I still have some moral issues to deal with." He went on to say that he now has real sympathy for those who are hooked on drugs, alcohol or crack.

August 29, 2006
Rummy Says Everyone, But Him, Is a Terrorist

Rummy Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said, in a speech in Salt Lake City, that Americans are a bunch of pussies who support terrorists. He went on to qualify that by saying that it's really only those who don't agree with him, the rest are just suspect and under surveillance. He was having great difficulty in keeping his finger from pointing at himself when he was saying, "It seems that in some quarters there is more of a focus on dividing our country, than acting with unity against the gathering threats." Everyone in the auditorium got up to leave after he ran right over Godwin's Rule amazingly early in his rant. It was only after the auditorium was empty that he mentioned Osama. "Osama will be brought to justice. He will. You just wait and see. I have a time table. He'll be in custody by October, 2008!" Hmmm... Right before the next Presidential election.

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August 1, 2006
Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise to Star in Remake of
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Mel Tom Rumors of an upcoming remake of the classic were confirmed in an interview I did with Tom Cruise today. He said that he would be starring in the role of The Sundance Kid even though he told producers that he'd do Butch for free. When I asked him if he was referring to Mel when he said "do Butch for free", he said, "No! I just want to be Butch!" I didn't follow that line any further.

In a later interview with Mel Gibson, I asked his which character he was playing, he laughed and said, "Are you kidding? Cruise couldn't play Butch to save his life." He scratched himself, sniffed his fingers, then said, "Nope, I'm Butch." I wasn't sure what that was about until Tom stepped into the room out of a large closet.

December, 2005
George Taps Into Our Rights

GWB George says he needs the power to listen in on American's conversations to make sure nobody is trying to take our rights away. "I, uh, tried mennul telpathy, but, uh, it didn't work. So, I tapped y'alls lines. [heh heh]" He continued, "Terrists are everywhere. Obviously I can't find them using intelligence, so we gotta use technology. In fact, I just introduced a new gas tax cut for people who drive Hummers that'll help pay for the equipment to do all this tapping. We may have to outsource the actual listenin' in to Indian call centers though. We gotta keep costs down, ya know."

June, 2005
George Fights to Save Our Rights

GWB George W. Bush tells us that the only way he can protect our rights is to take them away from us. "If you get a hold of 'em, y'all might just break 'em. They're very precious, ya know. I'll just keep 'em locked away right here in this specially made glass case. You can see 'em any time y'all want, but don't touch!"

March 14th, 2005
Saddam's Sentence Shortened

Saddam Saddam Hussein's thousand year sentence was reduced by one-hundred years after judges decided that the role he played in Duck Soup made up for the huge stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction found in Freedonia.

March 11th, 2005
New Evidence Presented at the Michael Jackson Trial

Protester A fan told reporter Melinda Gallo that this is an obvious setup, just like in the OJ trial. The court appointed forensic analysts refuse to touch the evidence stating, "I'm sure it's just a gardening glove. It looks to me like Mike was just planting his bulb into some fresh soil."

March 8th, 2005
Prince Charles Assassination Attempt

Protester An angry protester, brandishing what appears to be a couple of fully loaded, highly dangerous weapons, was unable to fire a single shot at Chuck. Chucky, who kept his cool during the incident, later stated that he was traumatized by the site of "what look like a pair of missiles comin' right for me, boy!" He went on to say that it has caused memories of his mom to surface which he had apparently suppressed until now. He plans to call Michael Jackson as soon as he gets out of "this trial thingy" for some guidance. Reports that the wedding with Whatserslut will be delayed have been flat out denied. Chucky Poo was, however, overheard asking the young lady for her phone number.
Protester Police continued to check the woman for more weapons of mass destruction, refusing to give up or accept the many offers for backup. They soon whisked the woman away, while many onlookers believed they were taking their lives in their own hands or maybe even hers.

March 2003
Blizzard 2003

Snow2003 Way back in March of aught three, there was a blizzard in the Denver area. Over 63,360 people froze to death during what one reporter (me actually) referred to as the most horrific thing that's happened to the Mile High City since Britney Spears did a concert here just last year. (It was noted by a local news station that the number quoted above was, in fact, the number of inches in a mile, not the number of people who froze.)